One's the loneliest number?

- I said I'm good on my own, and it's never been so true as right now. I ended everything on my own terms and now I feel right. It must sound strange but I'm 100% better when I'm depending on just me.
- So now I'm not going bell-jar crazy anymore. I started sleeping and eating and talking to my friends again - so many of them were so worried. Its good to be back in the big city that I love now the snow's gone!

- So I'm back on my feet, with a university offer in hand and feeling a little less mad. And more confident, which is an unexpected plus. 
- But all the same, need to get back into the usual swing of things. I'm writing again, I think it helped me a lot as I was getting out of my little madness.

- Listening to Zane Lowe and he's just so brilliant.. I've missed him (I stopped listening to Radio 1 after all the line-up changed). I just can't stand Chris Moyles' show, just how obnoxious and rude he is gets to me! And the old-fashioned sexist jokes he spouts, purportedly in an ironic way. 
- Also Fearne Cotton's voice is like 214,535 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my ear. I loved enid and sarah and all the other djs... why change them?

Second Chances

- It's weird to have a second chance at something you already wrote off.. in an unexpectedly good way. I have no expectations any more.
- I'm starting to feel a bit better, in general. All I need now is for the snow to go away so things can get back to normal!

- Ho hum. Came up with a few new resolutions: 

1. Interrupt people less
2. Be more succinct - less wishy-washy
3. Reply to texts and phonecalls
4. Have more confidence
5. Talk less bollocks

- This list of my faults is by no means exhaustive. But it covers the main areas I must improve in.

- Yikes. Here goes.

Solitary as an oyster.

- Is it wrong to desire to be alone? Company's great but sometimes all I want is my own space. I can't wait to have a place of my own, someday.. perhaps some little tiny corner of london where the rent makes your eyes water. 
- I know it's a cliche and a dream and it's not what it's cracked up to be. But I've always been motivated by independence.

- I think that's part of why I'm so crazy to get to University. Because there my two key principles are encapsulated - independence, and self-improvement through learning. I know it probably sounds pretentious to you but it gets me through the day.
- I always feel empowered by learning. It beats any self-help book. It's the perfect cure for the 'mean reads'. And it can be found anywhere. Books, Newspapers, Tv - learning is cheap and simple. 

- Am I sounding like a teacher? I don't mean the things you learn in a classroom that I suppose might be occasionally helpful but are fundamentally pretty useless. 
- The learning I mean is like finding some poet or famous battle or old movie, and literally learning everything you can about it/them. All because they momentarily brushed your interest.

- I love those little treasures in my memory. Like the time my best friend and I learned the entire French national anthem. And when I spent a week finding out everything there is to know about Marcel Duchamp, simply because I decided he was, for that week only, the most brilliant man in existance.

- Oh dear, I've wandered from the point a bit. The whole idea of this was to state, really, for my benefit, why I wanted to go to university. But also to remind myself that I am all these things without needing to go and study for three years, and without needing somebody to look after me. They're things I want but don't need, and in the worst case scenario, I'd live without them. 
- That's the funny thing. I go and learn stupid facts and forget everything I've ever learned about myself! I'm going to have to start writing myself notes and recite them daily.

NOTE TO SELF - you don't need a Degree or a Lover.

ALSO - sleep more, you look like shit.

I need out

- GB + Snow = Total wreck. My house has turned into a prison, I can't get out and nobody can get to me. I want to write HELP on all the windows because I'm going mad. 
- Nothing will change for a good half week yet. All I want is to get back on track and forget all of what's happened. 

- I need London! And what I mean by that is I need normality and coffee and cigarettes. And to stand on my own two feet and be anonymous and at the same time transparent. 
- You know I have to drag myself away every time I leave? I search for anything that could make me stay and the list is inexhaustible
- It seems insane to me that I could love a city so much, but there it is. 

Love Story

- Literally love this film. One of the best romantic tragedies ever written.

11:11

Ian Mcewan

- I am going to read every Ian McEwan book by the end of next month. I am determined.

- However, I haven't yet decided if I'm going to count the ones I've already read or not.

- As such, the current list is this:

• The Cement Garden R
• The Comfort of Strangers Q
• The Child in Time Q
• The Innocent Q
• Black Dogs Q
• Enduring Love R
• Amsterdam Q
• Atonement R
• Saturday Q
• On Chesil Beach R
• Solar Q

Unsuccessful.

- The worst thing about disappointment is that I always think I'm prepared for it. And yet I'm here and I'm cut to pieces and all I can do is cry these ridiculous hot tears and turn red. Because I'm wearing myself down with these ridiculous dreams that are miles too far and I have to remember that it's only in books that people ever get their happy endings. I'm sitting watching the snow fall and all I can think is why does this keep happening? But for me the key point is that it's all my own fault and if I could just STOP and stop dreaming too far and get a touch of real life into me.


- In the last few weeks what I want to do has become clearer and clearer. Writing just feels right. Whether it's writing independently, ie novels, or journalism.. it seemed suddenly clear. My rejection from UEA feels like it's all sunk back into the murky depths.


- I have to keep reminding myself that I never truly expected to get an offer. It wasn't my first choice. It's not in London. It's just.. yesterday I wrote sincerely for the first time in as long as I can remember. It felt wonderful. 

Dace.

d a c e Spring 2010 videolook from André Pinces on Vimeo.

I won't waste my time, no, I'm just fine.

- Ever feel all alone, and completely ok with it? I haven't had peace all holiday. I hate that people pursue me and question my right to my time. I just need to be left on my own.
- Why can't people understand that everything isn't about them? If I'm upset or angry, the first thing they do is try to eliminate the blame from themselves - 'it's not me is it?' 'did I do something?'. A wider scope, please.

- Solitude is what I really need at the moment. I can feel myself slowly feeling better about this whole situation, but I need to get back into the rush. 
- I'm back in London on Monday. I think the brisk impartiality of it will be a breath of fresh air. When my train crosses the thames at dawn, I remember how tiny small I am.

- That's what I need my commercial capital for. To remind me I was ok before and I'll feel ok again. There's safety in the big city, there's security in my constants. Coffee and coke and cigarettes and indistinct friends and all the galleries I could ever want. The crammed carriages. The park, the people, the wide, crowded streets: London Town. 

- UCAS starts up again tomorrow. I'm so scared, I have to admit it. It makes me so vulnerable, like all my deeds are laid bare for an impartial professor to toss aside like an used tissue. It's ruthless! 
- If I'm honest, what with the disappointment and the anticipation and all this waiting, my sleep pattern is failing - late to bed, late to rise, lucky if I can rouse the energy to drag myself from the sheets before 12.
- I've become pathetic, hollow and shadow.

Oh well.

He's just not that into me.

I love.

- Beats. Kerouac 'n Ginsberg 'n Snyder. 

- Public Transport. Fucking love it. Love people.

- Old Cars. Fiat and Figaro and 2CV. 

- Denim Shorts. Just like em. Nothing they don't go with.

- Partying. Hard. Getting off your tits.

- Let's hear it for Kissing. Fucking love kissing.

- Vintage Jumble Thrift. Dusty. Old. Weird. Kooky.

- Festivals. drinking smoking dancing singing Look like shit.

- Smoking. Mmmm.

- Books: Poetry, Prose & Picture.

- Music that's ancient, like messyrs Beatles, Kinks and Rrrolling Stones.

I know what's home

- Somehow, after all the bleak toneless feelings of the last few days, I'm finally feeling a bit better. I had some time alone, that's what I've really been missing.. I love my friends but I love solitude more than anything.

- I finally came up with some New Year's Resolutions. I'm glad to have this blog, it's going to make me document and importantly, stick to them.

- So here goes.

 # New Year's Resolutions # 

• I'm not going to read fashion, glamour or gossip magazines. ever. again.

• I'm going to love when I'm ready, not when I'm lonely.

• I'm going to accept that weight is easily gained, easily lost.

•  I'm going to stop needing people to validate me. 

•  I'm going to stop dicking about with the smoking, and either get properly started or stop.

• I'm going to read more.

•  Stop being ashamed of myself the morning after.

•  Learn to love myself.

Happy New Year. It's been a hell of a ride.