Ms.

- It's odd what catches your attention. Watching 'Grumpy Old Women' on BBC iPlayer yesterday, my interest was sparked by a section concerning how to address a woman correctly. Many of the woman said they preferred to be addressed as 'Ms.' as opposed to 'Miss' or 'Mrs'. I'd never even heard of this before! I suspect it's a second wave thing, and being born in 1991, I'm probs a bit late.

- Anyway, roll forwards a day and here I am at 1:57 am, crippled by period pains, hating my uterus, buying cheap old second-hand feminist literature off amazon. It's very exciting. And not just because I get the opportunity to look clever in front of my fellow commuters.

- I only really know one feminist, and really, she's enough for the moment. She's my ex-english teacher. I'd never tell her, but she's the reason I carried it on to university. She was the sort of woman you loved to hate and everyone respected her and feared her with equal measure.

- I fought with her a ridiculous amount. Literally, would not back down. She wasn't an ideal teacher - she undermined my confidence and there's opportunities I missed out on simply because I imagined she didn't think I was up to it. But she was maddeningly brilliant, and looking back, I wish I'd shut up arguing a bit and maybe listened some more.

- My mum is a pseudo-feminist. It makes me really sad because her desperation to be 'hard as nails' hides everything motherly about her. She's supported the family through hard times and she works bloody hard. She should be my hero.

- But she's not. She smokes. She had bulimia for twenty years. She throws money at my sister and I to see if it'll stick. She hates her roots. I don't go to her for advice because it's straight out of a leadership skills book. I once cried because I thought I'd got fat, and she screamed her insecurities at me for forty minutes. She complains, at length, about other women's weaknesses.

- That's not feminism to me - I don't need to be hard as stone. It wouldn't make me complete or happy. Sometimes things hit me and I break or I take them. Why should feminism make me less female? 

- I want these books to make me question everything I see. I think of feminism like a science - it's the art of calling into question what's been there all along.

- Anyway. My period pains have subsided and I'm off to bed, as there's a chance of me getting some sleep, which will be pretty scant over the next week. But I'm certain the next time I have to fill in a tedious form for a return, or check a box on my railcard application, the box I'll be checking is 'Ms.'